Don’t act like you didn’t just start singing “All At Once” by The Fray.
This weekend was one of the hardest I’ve had in… Well, a few years.
Friday, at the end of the work day, Tim called me with news from the vet we went to see the day before. When he told me he was about to call them back to find out the test results, I already knew.
The lack of eating, the slowing down, the fact that she’s 13 years old…
I just immediately knew it wasn’t going to be something fixable. And yet, for days, I had held out hope that it would be something really weird that we’d be able to fix with medication or simple surgery. Why I held onto that hope, I have no idea. Maybe it’s because they kept running tests that kept coming back inconclusive and showing no obvious signs of cancer.
So, when Tim called me and told me it was cancer in her salivary glands and there are no good or recommended treatment options, it was no big surprise.
But still, I cried. And then I cried some more. I wanted to squeeze Lucy as tight as I could, but all she really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and not be touched.
Sometimes, in these moments of grief, we have totally illogical, random thoughts: I just spent 30 minutes putting on my makeup and now it’s completely ruined. You can laugh at me; it’s okay. But the fact is, I was supposed to leave within the hour to meet my friends for dinner. Could I bail on this because I was upset with the news that I was going to have to put down the best animal I’d ever met? Probably. I don’t know why, but after awhile, I got up and reapplied my makeup. I got ready to go. Tim was confused as to why I was still going, but I just didn’t want to stay home. I didn’t want to lay on the couch for hours and cry while I watched her struggle to walk, her silence, her pain.
So, I went to dinner. I had a margarita. It was delicious. But the weight of the news was still on me. So friends (if you’re reading), I’m sorry if I was quieter than usual. I tried.
Then I came home and I cried some more. Lucy made her way up the stairs (oh so slowly) in the middle of the night to sleep in our room. She has always made sure she was nearby if I was crying.
Saturday, I slept in very late. My head was pounding and my face was puffy from all my tears. Again, I had to decide if I was going to stay home and cry or get out of the house. I opted to go see Divergent. But before I did, Lucy stood next to me with her head in my lap for a good long while. She ate well, even without the help of the medicine (I guess the fresh chicken is just more delicious than Pedigree).
Divergent? It was pretty good. Obviously, the book was better. I was glad that the movie didn’t stray too far, but it did seem like they tried to cram a lot of the story in a short amount of time, and I felt like we missed some character development. The best part was probably that we found a theater where our tickets cost $5 a piece.
Sunday, we drove up to Canton to see our nieces and visit with Candence for a bit, then came home and gave Lucy her last bath. Those words make me sad. Mom and Dad came over so they could spend some time with Lucy. They seemed surprised at how much she’s gone downhill and lost weight since February. It did all happen very quickly.
Today, we have to discuss when we’re saying goodbye to Lucy. I’m lucky in that Tim is, for the most part, handling it (minus the big decisions). So I don’t have to attempt making a phone call while I’m a blubbering mess. I can just be a blubbering mess in solitude.